And Still They Wonder Why
by tridecagirl
Summary: Alek and Deryn are both forced to make some tough choices. Hard to say more without giving a lot of plot twists away. Read on and find out.
1. Enemies

**Note: Originally this was going to be a multi-part fic on my Snapshots story. But it got pretty long – eight chapters, I'm predicting – so it got its own story. Lucky thing. **

"I can't let you leave this ship, Alek," Deryn said. Her voice sounded a lot more confident than the rest of her. The rest of her was screaming '_This is Alek! He's not your enemy! _But according to Captain Hobbes, he was.

"I have to," he said desperately. "I need to get back to my people. The Emperor is dead. I can _do _something. Don't you understand?"

"The Captain doesn't, and I'm under his orders. I can't let a valuable hostage leave the ship." She choked on the words a little as they came out, but didn't back down. She couldn't mutiny, no matter how much looking into the desperate eyes of the boy she loved was breaking her heart. She'd worked too barking hard to throw it all away now.

"Fine." He drew his fencing saber, held it out warningly. They locked eyes, Deryn daring him to blink first. He did. "I don't want this," he whispered.

"I don't want it either, but it's what we've got," Deryn answered. "It's what happens when you're on opposite sides of a war."

She watched indecision play across his face. Do it, she dared him silently. Attack your best friend. Prove the Captain right.

Finally Alek let the saber clatter to the ground. He sank down after it, head in hands.

Enemy or not, she didn't like him hurting. She walked over and put an arm around his shoulders. "It's all right," she told him. "You'll find another way."

"I already have."

Before she could ask him what he meant, he pressed a cloth that reeked of chemicals to her face.

"You bumrag," she tried to say, the words coming out slurred as the world dissolved into a swirl of color. But inside she was smiling.

He'd found a way.


	2. Choices

The stolen walker listed to one side, steaming. It had tripped over a gnarled tree root, a beginner's mistake. Or the mistake of someone who'd been running through exhaustion.

"Careful, Mr. Sharp," Newkirk warned as Deryn stepped forward cautiously. "I don't think any of the other pairs are within earshot."

"Understood." After their prisoner's escape, the _Leviathan_'s crew had been sent out in searching pairs, looking for the runaway prince. One was the lookout and the other – Deryn ran her fingers over the cold lump at her belt unhappily – had the gun.

Coughing out the acrid smoke, Alek stumbled out of the wreckage. His eyes widened. "Dylan. Newkirk."

Newkirk folded his arms. "We don't have to fight. Just give up and come back to the ship." He was trying to sound tough, Deryn could tell, but it wasn't working. His voice shook.

Alek shook his head. "I'm not going back. I'm not being a prisoner when people are dying."

"You heard him," Newkirk said. "You know the orders."

She knew them. Alek knew too much to be allowed to escape. If he refused to come back, she was ordered to shoot. To kill. With trembling fingers she pulled out the loaded pistol. It felt strange and hostile in her hands.

"Hurry up," Newkirk urged, keeping a wary eye on their prisoner. "Before he pulls out that saber."

Deryn looked at Alek. He was pale, but stood there, not trying to escape or fight back. He would let her kill him to do her duty.

"I'm sick of running," he'd told her.

He hadn't killed her, when he could have. Could she really repay the favor with a bullet?

She looked up again, into the eyes of the boy who she still loved, even if they were supposed to be enemies, and came to a decision. "I'm really sorry about this, Newkirk," she said, and hit him on the back of the head. He crumpled to the ground, without even time enough for his face to assume an expression of indignation. "Well," she asked Alek, who was staring at her with his mouth open which, even she had to admit, wasn't especially attractive. "I hope your walker has room for another runaway."


	3. Revelation

Alek couldn't believe what Dylan had done. The boy had given up everything, committed mutiny, lost the position he loved. For him. "You didn't have to do that," he told the boy.

Dylan shrugged, trying to act carefree, even if his voice trembled and became unnaturally high. "I thought it's only fair I get to have my country after me for a change."

They'd left Newkirk unconscious but unbound, and Alek was now piloting the righted walker to get as far away as possible before the midshipman woke. He knew this act of charity would only make their capture more likely, but Dylan had already betrayed his friends enough. Alek wasn't about to ask him to tie one up.

"They'll be looking for both of us now," he said, trying not to make Dylan feel unwelcome. "We might be safer apart."  
>Dylan shook his head. "We're better off together. You have the walker. and I know how to live in the normal world. You'd be dead in a week if I..." He trailed off, tracing his finger in the air as if he was drawing in his sketchbook. Then he grinned. "Don't worry, your princeliness. I've got a plan, and it's pure dead brilliant."<p>

"Are you going to make us disappear?" Alek asked sarcastically.

"No," his friend said. "I'm going to make Dylan disappear."

Alek felt useless, waiting at the edge of the town as Dylan bought whatever supplies he needed for his mad plan. But the boy had been right - he was less likely to be recognized. Alek was the one burdened by a famous face.

There was a rustle and Dylan pushed through the bushes, carrying a bundle of clothes under one arm. "Ran into some Clanker soldiers," he said breathlessly. "Luckily they didn't take a good look at my uniform."

"It's risky out there for you too," Alek reminded him. If his friend was hurt, it would be all his fault. And he couldn't take the guilt of another life on his hands. Who knew what had happened to his men back on the airship.

"Not for long." Dylan was wearing an odd outer jacket, some Darwinist fabrication that looked like tough hide and turtle shell. Now he slipped it off and held it out. "I have to lose the rest of my uniform, but you should take this. Special issue - it's bulletproof."

Alek stepped back. "No. I can't take that."

"You're the one who's always being shot at," Dylan reasoned patiently. "Besides, it would look barking daft with the other things I'm going to wear. Just take it."

"If you insist." Alek still felt guilty, taking the boy's safety away, but he slipped the bulletproof jacket under his own. Dylan nodded his approval and retreated into the walker to change.

"What do you think?" The voice was like Dylan's, but higher. Alek turned to see who was talking, and stared.

"I think it's quite fetching," Dylan said, twirling. He was wearing a simple blouse and skirt, a kerchief covering his short hair. The effect was disconcertingly feminine.

"You're dressed as a girl," Alek managed. "I suppose it _is _a good disguise."

"No, you dummkopf!" Dylan stopped mid-twirl to glare at him. "You still haven't realized it? I _am_ a girl!"

"You're a wh- oh," Alek said faintly. He supposed he should be more surprised, but the day's events had taken a toll on his capacity for astonishment. Instead, he felt like a faint itch had been assuaged, one he'd never known was there. There had always been something slightly off about Dylan... now he knew. "That explains a lot, actually."

Dylan - or whatever her name was - peered into his face. "You're not going to faint, are you? It doesn't really matter. I just couldn't fly as Deryn. And now no one will recognize me. Dylan Sharp doesn't exist anymore." She frowned a moment, eyes downcast, then smiled. "And no one's expecting you with a girl. It'll disguise both of us!"

"I suppose so," Alek replied vaguely, still trying to process that his best friend was female. "Ah... yes."

Deryn tapped her foot impatiently. "Don't we have some running away to do?"

"Yes," Alek said again. He was aware he sounded like a complete fool, but he couldn't help it. The day had been the mental equivalent of being punched in the gut. Repeatedly. Now he was winded, dizzy, and at a complete loss. But he couldn't forget that the combined forces of Germany, Austria-Hungary, and now Britain were out to get him. "We should go."


	4. Nightmare

**Note: This 'tis a bit lame. But that will change, trust me.**

Alek was able to clear his mind of Deryn/Dylan and the confusion she brought with her until night fell. He preferred his old pattern of night walking and hiding the walker during the day – left over from last time he'd been running – but he could go only so far until he reached exhaustion. It wouldn't help either of them if he ran off a cliff after falling asleep at the controls. So eventually he maneuvered the machine behind the cover of a few rocks and awkwardly knelt it down so the top didn't show above the boulders. Satisfied, he released the saunters, yawning. Then he saw Deryn and, to his horror, felt a blush rising to his face as he realized that things were quite a bit different now. "I'll sleep outside."

Deryn was already arranging herself at the other end of the walker, fluffing up her old uniform to make a pillow. At his words, she sighed. "Don't be a ninny. It's freezing, and there's room for six in here." Muttering about princes and chivalry, she curled up and closed her eyes without a hint of decorum.

Alek hesitated. Perhaps she was used to bunking right next to the opposite sex, but… God's wounds, she'd stayed in the same suite as he had in Istanbul, hadn't she?

She opened one eye crossly. "Go to barking sleep, all right? I don't want you walking into trees while I'm here. I'm no different than I was yesterday, after all."

She had a point, he supposed, so he leaned his back against the wall, drew his knees to his chest, and tried to sleep. But he couldn't. The events of the last few months danced before his eyes, a thousand little clues he should have put together sooner. The lorises had practically thrown it in his face, and he still hadn't realized. But Volger – yes, his tutor's sly comments and sideways glances took on a whole new meaning. Had _everyone _else known? Maybe they had always known, and were just laughing at the fool of a prince who couldn't see what was right in front of his face.

Resigning himself to a sleepless night, he opened his eyes. Deryn was already asleep. He – no, she, Alek reminded himself – had always been like that, willing to doze off at the slightest notice. Often she'd still been in her day clothes. Of course, now that he thought about that, a whole other reason to stay dressed presented itself. Yes, he'd been monumentally clueless. A thousand dummkopfs wouldn't be enough to describe him.

Looking back at Deryn, he saw that she was talking, whispering really, forming words that came out too softly to understand. Her face was contorted into an expression of fear and desperation he'd never seen when she'd been awake. Leaning forward, he caught two words: _Da _and _burning_.

It was one of her nightmares, he realized, the ones she'd told him about back on the _Leviathan_, before everything had become so complicated. His parents' deaths had been bad enough, a few drops of poison far away from him. But seeing your father burn to death, and reliving that every night…

He couldn't change the past, but at least he could try to keep it where it belonged. Cautiously he reached out and touched her shoulder. "Dy- Deryn. Wake up. It's just a dream."

The whispering stopped. Her eyes opened partway, with the hazy detachment of someone still mostly asleep. "Alek?" she asked fuzzily. "There was a fire…"

He shook his head. "It was just a nightmare. You're fine here. Everything's fine."

With her typical speed, she'd fallen asleep again, if she'd ever really woken. This time, he noticed with some satisfaction, her face was calm.

He retreated back to his side of the walker and this time he could finally rest.


	5. Lion's Den

Deryn knew that she was acting like a ninny, but she couldn't help herself. It was just so wonderful, being able to be herself again. To act however she wanted without constantly looking over her shoulder, hoping no one would see and realize who she was. Now Alek knew, and she felt like a weight close to one of his walkers had been lifted off her shoulders.

Not that he knew everything, of course. She'd made sure to hide how she felt, pretending to still be the best friend from before, with a female face. Even now that her secret was out, she had no illusions as to what his answer would be. He'd given up his love for the _Leviathan _to do his duty. Her love wouldn't stop him either, even if he did begin to feel the same way back.

So when he told her she was beautiful, she just made a joke of it. He'd said it without thinking; she could tell by the way he stopped hastily and blushed. And it was dead silly too – her clothes were messy, face flushed from laughing and leaves caught in her hair. "Aye, and you look dead handsome, with dirt on your face and your hair sticking up with engine grease. We're both disasters," she teased. But he was still handsome to her, no matter what she said. She wanted to be closer, to run her fingers through his hair even if it _did _look like something might come out of it and bite her. Neither of them looked their best, she thought ruefully. She was just absolutely hopeless.

"Stop being a dummkopf and help me with these," she added, holding up the pitiful attempts of the day's search. He couldn't go anywhere, and she was too obviously Scottish to risk many ventures into town. So they'd been living the best they could off the land. Deryn was just glad that her father had added fishing and wild plants to the lessons he'd taught her as a girl. Alek, she had discovered, was hopeless. Naturally. She had to admit she wasn't perfect either – she steered away from mushrooms after the first time, when they'd both turned green after a few bites. But other than that, her record wasn't bad.

The fish, on the other hand, was awful. She was personally offended, because it took her an hour to catch the sodding thing. It had remained stubbornly in the shadows of the bank as she waved the hook tantalizingly under its nose again and again. Pulling the beastie ashore had given her no small satisfaction. And now it was getting its revenge by tasting terrible. She wouldn't be surprised if it stuck in their throats, just to spite them.

Playing with a bone unhappily, she asked, "What next?"

"What do you mean?"

"We can't stay like this forever." Much as I'd like to, she added silently. "Living on scraps, always running – you left for a reason, didn't you?"

In the growing dark, Alek's face was unreadable. It was almost late enough that they would start moving again. The backwards schedule had been confusing at first, but she'd gotten used to it, sleeping while he piloted the walker and then finding their dinner while he slept through the day. She wondered if he missed the sunlight. "I did. But it seemed so reachable back on the ship, like I could walk in and claim my birthright with nothing but a letter and a fencing saber. I see now that it's more complicated."

Deryn snorted. Complicated. A wee bit of an understatement, in her opinion. Unless 'complicated' in Clanker talk translated to 'two countries who want you imprisoned or dead'.

"We need to find somewhere better to stay, at least," she pressed on. "Or we're going to starve, if this fish doesn't kill us first."

He glanced distastefully at the tiny portion he's left untouched. Typical of a prince to turn up his nose at the only food they had. "Where do you suggest we go?"

She tried to picture a map of Germany in her head, to guess where the nearest town was. An idea came to her, so impossible, so completely daft, that it tugged the edges of her lips into a smile involuntarily.

Alek looked up sharply. "What?" he asked suspiciously. He knew her too well.

"What about Berlin?" she suggested.


	6. Broken

**Note: To avoid fanfic scarring (coughTrappedontheWirecough) I'd advise everyone to check the genre this fic is listed under. We understand each other? Good – proceed.**

Once they'd reached Berlin, Deryn began to wonder if her brilliant idea was actually so brilliant after all.

Istanbul had been all right, caught in middle territory, with the walkers at least taking the shapes of nature. Berlin was all Clanker though, and she couldn't forget it was enemy territory.

The atmosphere was quiet. It didn't feel precisely like wartime, but something bubbled beneath the surface. Deryn saw lean faces, people wearing clothes that were made a few sizes larger. They knew hunger, she could tell, but they didn't seem particularly warlike. Still, she couldn't shake the ominous feeling that had been building inside of her ever since they'd first set foot on the cobblestones. Part of her wanted to change her mind, scream for Alek to take them both out of there before it was too late. _You're just being a daft little girl_, she told herself. _There's nothing to be afraid of. Besides the fact that you're in the capitol of a country that really wants to kill you both._ She swallowed to try to banish her dry throat. Yes, there was a lot to be afraid of.

Her senses, heightened by fear, picked up on the danger before anyone else. She heard the methodical strike of boots against cobblestones and quickly pulled Alek against a shop window as a group of German soldiers marched past. Trying to alleviate suspicion, she chattered aimlessly in her broken German, commenting on how perfectly_ lovely_ the merchandise was. She didn't even know what was being sold. Blisters, acting like a proper girl was _hard_. A young soldier was eying them suspiciously, and every instinct was telling her to run. Then the man looked away, the soldiers moved on, and she stopped talking. Adrenaline left her system abruptly, and she swayed on her feet, almost collapsing against the shop window. To her eternal shame, she saw that it was a boutique for bridal wear.

Alek considered a lacey white dress pensively. "Do you think we should buy it? It might do wonders for my disguise."

Nervous as she was, she didn't laugh. The sudden danger had given her an unlooked for burst of courage. "Alek… I need to tell you something."

He turned with exaggerated alarm. "What? You're not _actually _a boy, are you?"

"Don't be a ninny." The words were so simple, lined up in her mouth. I love you. So why were they so hard to say? _You might not get another chance. _"I-" And then something hit her hard from behind.

At first she thought someone had punched her, and was about to demand furiously who the bum rag was so she could hunt him down. But Alek's look of horror stopped her words. Then, looking down to follow his eyes, she saw the blood.


	7. Just Keep Breathing

**Note: Brace yourselves.**

Alek didn't even hear the gunshots. He felt three impacts – one on his abdomen and two over his heart – but no more pain than a dull ache. The Darwinist's bulletproofing had done its job.

But there was still blood, speckling his shirt and staining the ground. He met Deryn's wide eyes and looked down. A dark stain was spreading from her stomach. She looked down to, then took a step forwards and began to fall.

That was when the screaming started.

The crowd was panicking, running from place to place without knowing who was shooting or who they were shooting at. But Alek knew. _They want me. This is all my fault. How many people have to die for me?_

But this one, at least, wasn't dead yet. Grateful for the mass of people covering their escape, he half led, half carried Deryn into an alleyway. She sunk down against the wall, bright red hands plastered over her wound.

"Just keep breathing," he pleaded. "We'll get you out of here. We'll find a doctor."

With visible effort, she shook her head. "Middie training… can judge… doctor can't help."

"What do you mean, a doctor can't help?" he demanded, refusing to believe that this was it, that the girl who had gone through so much could be killed by a piece of metal no bigger than his thumb.

"I have… a little time. Then…" she stopped, pain twisting her features. "Promise me…"

"What?" he asked. He would have promised her anything – his throne, his life, anything to keep her talking a while longer.

"To be… a good emperor. Try… try to stop the war."

"I promise," he said, tears starting in his eyes, mimicking the ones pain had left glittering in her own.

She nodded, letting her head fall back against the wall with a sigh. He was afraid she'd died, but her chest still moved up and down in ragged gasps. "I love you," she said faintly. "Did you ever notice?"

He didn't have time to answer. Instead, she leaned forward with the last of her strength and kissed him, her lips tasting like blood and tears, iron and salt. Then she fell back again, eyes closed. "…miss you…" he heard her whisper. And then nothing.

For a moment he was frozen. He wanted to sit there and hold her hand, tell her that he _had _noticed. He wanted to tell her meaningless stories about his parents and himself and his life, and how he would give it all up if she would just open her eyes. But he couldn't. The roar of the crowd was quieting. Soon the soldiers would come looking for him. He had to go, leaving her there in an alley like so much trash.

As he stood, a simple realization came to him. All this time, he'd thought Providence meant for him to do something great. That he was the one who could change the world. He'd taken all fate had thrown at him under the misconception that it would all work out in the end. And now he'd lost everything, but he finally understood. Providence didn't want to help him. It only wanted to destroy him.

He stumbled away from the alley, his bloody clothes and distant expression cutting a swathe through the remaining people. His last promise to Deryn rang in his ears. With only a twinge of regret, he broke it.

**Note: Perhaps a little bit overkill? Maybe – I don't get to write death scenes very often. If you're not scarred yet, hold on for the ride – there's a chapter still to go. ;)**


	8. Why

**Note: I've been trying to write this for ages, and it kept coming out wrong. I'm still not totally happy with it, but I realized I never would be. Better to put something out there than nothing. Call it closure, if you will. Tragedy. Crazy Alek. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Still reading? Don't say I didn't warn you.**

The sun was setting. Alek watched it go through the viewport of the walker he'd stolen and stationed in this dark Berlin alley. Barely evening and it was already filling with shadows.

A flash of blonde hair caught his eye. Instinctually he jerked forward, looking. The young boy, no more than twelve, continued on his way down the street, fading into the darkness. Alek sank back, sighing. It wasn't her. Of course it wasn't her.

That wasn't to say she was gone, exactly. Sometimes, out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw her. Not for long – just a flicker, or a whisper. Maybe her ghost was watching over him. Or maybe he was just going mad. Either way, he appreciated the company. He didn't think she'd like what he was planning, though. Doubtless she'd call him a blethering ninny, or a dummkopf, or something similar. The thought brought a smile to his face, but only for a moment. Whether she'd like it or not, his plan was simple: revenge.

Deryn, Volger, even his parents… he had no doubts that all of them would argue against what he was about to do. He had a duty, they'd claim. A duty to his people, a duty to stop the war. They just wouldn't _see… _They couldn't understand that there was nothing left for him here. His family, his men, the place he'd fleetingly felt at home, his best friend who'd loved him… all gone. There was nothing left in this world but death. So he'd take it – but not before taking a few others with him.

He'd been watching the barracks for hours, and he was sure most of the soldiers were inside, drinking or playing cards or whatever they did when they weren't murdering his friends. This was the best time.

But going willingly to his death was harder than he'd thought. He'd spent the last few months avoiding it. It took him several deep breaths to muster up the courage to start the runabout moving, heading straight for the barrack's doors.

In his Stormwalker, he could have barged straight in. In this smaller runabout, he had to throw himself against the thick wood twice before they finally buckled inwards. It took its toll – when he jumped out, the walker was twisted metal. Useless. But he didn't intend to leave anyway.

One frightened soldier stared at him, recognition lighting in his eyes. This was the one, Alek was sure. He was the one who'd fired those shots. He pointed the pistol at him, and paused.

The soldier was barely older than him or Deryn, clearly afraid. Just another boy pulled into a war that he might not favor or even understand. Only following orders, fighting for the country he belonged to.

He couldn't pull the trigger. And that was when the first bullet found its mark.

He felt it as a searing pain at his collarbone. Then another punched through a weak spot in the jacket, right above his heart. This was his last chance…

_I can't. I won't kill another person._

And then he fell.

His vision was fading, but he heard two soldiers walk over. They must have thought he was already dead, because they didn't bother shooting him again. Instead, one asked, "Why would the kid do something so stupid?"

Why. That would be the question everyone would be asking. Why would a prince with so much to lose dash to his certain death? Why would a decorated midshipman commit mutiny to accompany him? Why would providence, or chance, or whatever guided human lives lead both of them into the chance meeting that left so much disaster in its wake? The papers would doubtlessly come up with some answer, but still they would wonder why.

Now, feeling the world slip away, he knew the answer. But he didn't have the strength to say it out loud.

**Note: So… that was depressing. A little explanation – ASTWW was my therapy fic. I figured I'd pour on everything that could go wrong because that way, Goliath would never be as bad. At least, I really hope it won't be. **


End file.
